February 9th, 2005
               Wednesday
grrrrness...
written at 1:03 pm
I'm seriously going to have to find a new name or something cause really I do not want to give any impression that this journal is some kind of tribute to ashlee simpson or any of her music. people see the name "pieces of me" and now automatically think of her because of that stupid song she did!... geez.. its annoying. The reason I chose this name is because I always thought to myself if I were going to write the story of my life that thats what I would call it. And giving references to "autobiographies" even sounds more "ashley simpsonish" k... so once my paid subscription thing runs out... Im getting a new name. I suppose I should start thinking of one till then.

current mood: annoyed
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February 2nd, 2005
               Wednesday
one step past denial
written at 8:34 pm
you know there are times when you just can't describe how you feel. No, wait...stratch that. Thats not true, at least not tonight...sometimes you just don't want to admit how you feel. I don't want to admit that I am lonely, and feel unloved. I don't want to admit that I am so envious of the peoples lives around me that remind me of what I do not have. I hear someone talk about how they are with "so and so" and how wonderful their sidnificant other is, and it just makes me cringe inside. I dont want to admit the way it makes me feel to see new relationships being formed amoungst friends, or how much I am getting sick of reading one more blog that is comprised of enuendo's to their "better half".

How do you admit that you are jealous to someone when you really don't want to admit it to yourself? You smile, say nice words of congradulation, but inside you just wish you were somewhere else, thinking of something else, doing something else - something totally unrelated. And its not that I do not wish happiness for them, you just come to a point where you start to wonder whats wrong with you. And its sickening and selfish I know. To wish it were your pictures people were comenting on, and your messages were filled with silly romantic stories and love sick updates.

And you just can't admit it cause you know its pathetic. It's pathetic that you wish and even dream that you truly did have someone. You dream of being held, just embraced and long for. You wake up only to long to go back to sleep so that you can feel his arms around you again. It feels complete, it feels secure.

Most of all you wish you thought it possible for anything like that to ever come to you. You hear your sister speak of her "soul mate". You sit and listen to all there stories and your mind only wonders what it takes to acheive that. Maybe if you wer skinnier, maybe if you were more bold, maybe if you knew how to hold a decent conversation and your persona didn't sink to the level of a bar of soap, whenever your around someone...maybe then someone would find you interesting.

current mood: guilty
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January 28th, 2005
               Friday
birthday wishes to birthday farewells
written at 10:12 pm
So I called my dad today. And for what? To just get subjected to his subtle criticisms and insults. And you know what? As he was doing it I just kept asking myself - why do I put up with this? Then I asked "why does he do this to me?" I really don't understand it. Does he feel its his job to make his daughter feel lower than dirt?? That his humiliating questions do any good? Maybe if my life amounted to anything "in his eyes" or anyone else's for that matter then perhaps I wouldn't go through this. But then again are fathers to make their children feel low and inadequate just because of some mental picture they have that is not being fulfilled? Thats one thing he's never failed to accomplish - make me feel small and inadequate just because I am not living out what he expects my life should be. I suppose I was the crazy one for believing it would ever be different.

I woke up yesterday contemplating whether or not I should call him at all. Yeah it's his birthday- but the whole birthday custom thing I'm not really all that into anymore. But he does and would be highly offended if I didn't call. But then when I do there's always this awkward silence thing and I hate that! The point where I run out of things to say, or loose track of the planned out "things" to mention or discuss with him. The place where my mind goes, "okay...err, how do I get off this phone with him??!??!" But regardless, If I don't call things will be bad and I want things to be "good" between us...don't I? It went on and on, round and round in my head.

So I called. And needless to say I regret it. I sat through a conversation where he belittled me just like he always has done. I answered all his condescending questions and allowed him to put me in his favorite spot made just for me- down there...next to the nasty toe-jam he digs out of his nasty fungus feet. (I would have just said "dust", as in "down there next to the dust by his feet", but this explanation seemed more realistic concerning who it is I'm speaking of)

Not again. I can't take it anymore, I don't need it anymore. You know, was really sort of dreading the call, then my sis called me 45 mins before he came home. I told her I had already planned on calling, and I asked why she called. "Did he make a point to tell you to remind me, or something??" No, she said. "I just wanted you not to forget cause he would feel bad. I heard him talking about how much he misses his oldest daughter yesterday."
I thought to myself. Wow, my dad was actually thinking of me. Then reality hits when I get one on one with him. He's the same person. I don't know what his intentions could be, and I really don't know how to explain it. Its just how he talks down to me and in a subtle way makes fun of me and criticizes my life. My life is what it is and I don't need someone like him to make me feel degraded because of it. No more daddy. I know I've said it before, but I'm really through this time.

current mood: aggravated
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name: moriyah
age: 21
location: california
faith: natsarim israelite, sometimes known as "messianic jewish".
ethnicity: black & white
occupation: primarily I am a web/graphic designer, but I also design clothing and co-run a company that manufactures set-apart garments (biblical and modest clothing) for torah observant peoples. [check links] In my free time I also run several online communities for messianic believers. I'm a busy person!

Well, despite all my efforts I can't shake being the "silent one". Most that I am new to would probably describe me as "shy" or "quiet". And that is because I am often unsure of myself. Although to my close friends I am anything but - it just takes me longer to warm up to people is all. I am a very sweet and loyal person- make friends with me and you have a friend for life. I'm prone to falling in love with bands that have a synth player or prides themselves in having no guitars. I'm in love with music often described as weird, strange or unusual. I am a geek. I love all things tech. I'm down to earth, and sensible, I'm not the "outragious" one, but I do like to have fun. Family is of deep importance to me, as well as my faith. Overall I am an easy person to get along with, if you want to get to know me more add me as a friend!

new wave, zucchini, getting lost in good books, writing, designing new stuff, my cat, 80's music, my family, Yahweh and His Son Yahshua, Torah, socks and slippers, rainy days, fellow geeks, wrigley's extra spearmint gum, renting movies and watching them with the people you love.

mean, vain, or inconsiderate people, country, metal and jazz music, people that stare (what's their problem?!), first impressions, city busses, computer problems, social anxiety, snobs, racists and I hate the fact that we are all basically slaves to money, and time.

joy electric, soviet, depeche mode, new order, elkland, coldplay, aha, the police, the postal service, figurine, fine china, skillet (earlier years), Dntel, further seems forever, dead poetic, plankeye, tait, mute math, leiahdorus, franz ferdinand, modest mouse, the killers, the bravery

HG Wells: Time Machine, Island of Dr Moreau, CS Lewis: Space Trilogy, LOTR (guilty pleasure)

Momento, Time Machine (anything with guy pierce), anything with adam sandler (with the exception of little nicky) Zoolander (anything with ben stiller), LOTR (guilty pleasure), The Believer (if you havent seen it do it now!)

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womens bible study
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shabbat
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happy new moon! now begins the 12th month in the biblical calendar!
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shabbat
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womens bible study
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my b-day!!
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womens bible study
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shabbat
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This layout "journey of steps" was created completely by me- moriyah (pi3cesofm3eh) with the help of Macromedia Fireworks MX, Dreamweaver Ultra Dev and way too much soda. Pic found on the best place to find great images on the web stock.xchng. Unlike the more tallented and creative, my creativity often runs in short supply at times, so it would really bug if someone decided to steal my work (whatever its worth) so, please don't steal! If you would like a site/layout designed contact me here. I do charge (my time is precious) but I won't break ya.

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